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Magic
Topic Started: Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 03:21 (912 Views)
Whoopy4
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Love sick fool
Prologue:



A woman stood hesitantly in front of her enemy. His presence dominated over her, as well as his three followers. While she wore simple peasant clothing, much of it ripped and her face muddied, they stood in clean cloaks with hoods to shadow their faces, but she could see the glow from within; it was the only source of light in the enclosed forest. She glanced around her. They had cornered her into a part of the forest where the trees had become intertwined, making a cage around her.

The man in the lead spoke without removing his hood, “Tell me where the boy is.” His voice seemed to echo amongst the trees. The woman could swear she felt the branches closing in on her.

“How do you know about him?” She asked, frightened for her child’s life.

“You cannot hide from me, Crisanda.” The voice was calm, but stern. He was losing his patience with her.

“He’s safe from you.” Crisanda tried to act confident, despite her shaking knees.

“If the Assembly finds out-“

Crisanda cut him off quickly, “Find out what? That you slept with a peasant girl? Not even a Protector, but a peasant girl? Is that what you’re afraid of?” Crisanda started to gain confidence. She was gaining an upper hand in this argument.

“You do not know the implications of what we have done. Not only are we in danger, but so is your son.”

Stepping away from the branches, Crisanda looked up at the man. “I will never tell you. You just want to fix your ‘mistake’. Well I won’t let you.” Crisanda tried to smile smugly. “He’s probably like you. He can probably do what you do.”

Just as she thought she was winning, Crisanda felt herself falling backwards after a hand slapped her across her face. She could hear the frustration in his voice. He turned to his followers. “Find the boy.” All three of them turned and left without a word.

Crisanda placed a hand on her cheek. It was tender and was probably bright red already.

“You do not understand.” The figure knelt down beside her. “Yes, I am afraid of the Assembly’s reaction, but the Assembly is not the greatest danger to our child.” Crisanda had a look of confusion on her face. “I’m sorry my dear, but I must fix what I have done.” Without another word, he slid a dagger through her rib cage before she could muster a reply or defence.

Leaving the mother of his child on the ground to die, the figure walked away, disappearing into the depths of the forest.



Edited by Whoopy4, Wednesday, 3. November 2010, 12:25.
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Harket
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asian
OH.
MY.
GOSH.

Me is wanting more of this awesomeshizzz story :)

But, *sighs* as much as i love it, there are two small, small, small mistakes :)

Quote:
 
“You cannot hide from me Crisanda.”
Maybe a comma before the Crisanda, because at first i thought that was the name of the child and was confuzzled :( So maybe “You cannot hide ^him^ from me, Crisanda.” Yes?


Quote:
 
“You do not know the implications of what we have done. Not only are we in danger, but so is your son.”
This is just a tiny little bit, you know... weird. The implications of what we've done? Hmm... i know there is another way to phrase this, but i just cant put my finger on it :( sorry :(

Other, than that, its fine and

I LOVE IT :)
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Whoopy4
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thankya. The next chapter should be up tomorrow
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Warrior Poet
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I have to work on A Forlorn Throne now, but PM me and make me read it tomorrow. This looks pretty awesome, except of course for the title :P
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Whoopy4
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The title was chosen because you need a title to post a topic haha. It'll make sense later though
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Harket
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Dum-de-dumm.... you're making me want more. Now. Please don't disappear and leave us hanging...

OR ELSE! :bloodypickle:

Teehee! :ballerina:
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Whoopy4
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I was gonna try to write it yesterday, but my essay took longer than expected. It should be up after school today
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OKOK. I can wait :)
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Whoopy4
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Chapter 1:


15 years later


Turas pulled a cart of coal along the gravel path. As he passed other carts, their owners tossed chunks into his cart to lighten their load. He kept his head facing down and shuffled along, making sure not to draw the attention of any guards. When he reached a ledge, he pulled up alongside it and tipped the cart. The contents spilled out and into a larger cart with four horses attached. As he pulled the cart back to its upright position, a light breeze blew across his face, rippling his tattered shirt and pants, and briefly cooling the coal covered sweat that was rolling down his face.

Turas smiled. He lived for the moments in the day when a breeze would greet him. If he ever experienced freedom, that is what he expected it to feel like. Only on more occasions he hoped.

“Get back to work.” A rough voice interrupted his freedom, sending him tumbling back to the reality of the coal pit he worked in. He looked in the direction of the voice. A tall muscular guard had grabbed his whip. “Go on, get back to work, worm.”

“Yes, sir.” Turas nodded as he pulled his cart back to his site. Along the way, the others again threw coal into his cart. When he had first become a cart puller, he had tried to get the others to stop, but it was no use. They gave the same treatment to every cart that went by.

Turas parked his cart outside a small pit. Inside, he saw the three other members of his group. Heren was the oldest of all of them, somewhere in his forties. Turas was amazed to see him wake up each morning. There must be enough coal in his lungs to form full chunks. Jint was about the same age as Turas, most likely early twenties, although his personality didn’t indicate it. Jint had become a slave only a couple years back and he was a well needed breath of fresh air. He was always able to brighten up their days long enough that they could make it through to the next day. Finally, there was Novu, the youngest miner. Novu was barely a teenager as far as anyone knew. He disliked being a slave as much as those that had been slaves for decades, but he always managed to keep going. Turas figured it had something to do with his close relationship with Jint.

Jint was the first to speak up. “Welcome back. Now come join us in the fun.”

Turas smiled and slid into the pit. “Alright, alright.” Jint tossed him a pickaxe. Turas grabbed it. With a sigh, he began to chip away at the walls, widening the pit. In his pit and others he could hear countless clinks as pickaxes met coal.

Just another day...





Sorry for making it shorter than I wanted. The next chapter wilol be longer. I expect to be posting a chapter every second day, maybe both days of the weekend as well.
Edited by Whoopy4, Friday, 5. November 2010, 03:28.
Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year.

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Harket
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OH IS IT THE SON IS IT IS IT IS IT?

Well, the shortness was sad :( But seeing that you'll be posting every other day, i'm thinking it'll be alright :)

And also,
Quote:
 
Just another day...
Was good forshadowing, cause it shows that it'll never going to be "just another day" again.

Nice work. :pound:
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Warrior Poet
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So where are you getting these names? Some of them, like Turon, are fairlyl stock fantasy names, but others like Jint a pretty legit. Are you making them up based on other ones, or searching meanings, or are some of them actual names? Either way, cool.

So Turon's a slave. We don't know who has him, or where, but he's a slave. An unlikely hero...will he be one? You've managed to geive me a good amount of questions and I'm interested, even though people are writing a ridiculous amont of stories right now. Kepp me interested and don't disappoint, because there are a thousand different things you can do with this and about eight hundred of them are good. I know what a good writer you are, especially with romance. Fantasy is the genre that wells up from humanity's deepest longings and desires, which is why I love it so much. Translate those yearnings from romance to wherever we are now and you'll do truly great.
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Whoopy4
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My methods for names involve making it up, chabging a word till it sounds good, translating a word theb changing it, or combining parts descriptive words
Well, I decided on a regular schedule. Updates will be Fridays, Sundays, and atleast 1 day between monday and thursday. I may also throw in the occasional present if I'm feeling extra inspired.

Anyways, since it's friday....




Chapter 2:

The group sat down on the hard coal. Their clothes were already too dirty to notice. The guards were on a brief shift change and they used every moment to rest.

“I’m meeting with Shera tonight.” Jint grinned. “She says we’re going to ‘celebrate’ my birthday.” Turas laughed and patted Jint on the shoulder. Heren tried to laugh, but it only came out as a cough. Novu just looked confused.

“It’s your birthday? But none of know when our birthday’s are; how are you supposed to celebrate it?” Novu just tilted his head in further confusion. No one had bothered to talk to him about such things.

Turas smiled at the young boy. “We’ll explain it to you when you’re older.”

Novu looked at Turas. “Aw, come on.”

With a roll of his eyes Turas just looked back at the rest of the group to continue their conversation. He didn’t get a word in before they heard a pair of heavy boots plodding towards their pit. Quickly, everyone grabbed their pick axes and furiously began chipping away.

The guard stood over them, casting a rather large shadow, but directing it to not block the sun from any of the slaves. Not much sunlight was left though, as the sun was beginning to pass behind the mountains that were near the encampment. The entire province of Craline was surrounded by mountains. That’s what prevented others from stealing the precious resources that they got rich from selling.

“This is your last load and then it’s back to the camp.” The guard stepped away to check on another pit.

Despite their disdain for their work, knowing that they were almost finished for the day made them chip away that much faster. Turas glanced at Jint. He was still smiling. The excitement he showed was somewhat inspiring. Even in a place like a coal mine, a man could find a woman that he loved.

Once they had the cart loaded up, Jint offered to help take the cart. Turas just shook his head. “Go. You have a pretty lady waiting for you; wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.” Jint gave Turas an appreciative smile and ran off with the rest of the miners heading back. Heren had already slipped away. He always dodged taken the last cart. Novu stayed with Turas to help pull the cart.

They walked along the gravel path, a cart full of coal behind them. There were fewer miners still working so less chunks of coal were flying onto their cart.

The trip took longer than expected. There was line-up at the dumping point. Once they finally got to the front, they dumped their coal and walked the cart back to their pit.

While walking back to the camp, Turas and Novu were by themselves for the most part. They had separated from the groups walking down the hill. Novu took this time to ask his question. “So why do I have to wait until I’m older?”

“What do you mean?”

“Before you explain to me why Jint’s birthday is today.” Novu gave Turas a small shove. “Or are you so old you’re forgetting stuff now?”

Turas messed up Novu’s shaggy hair, “I’m only a few years older than you, you know.”

“You’re dodging my question.”

“You’re a smart kid, you know that? How has no one explained this to you?” Turas sighed. “I’m certain you’ll understand when you meet a girl.”

Novu looked just as confused as before. “So when I meet a girl I like, I get a birthday?”

“Yeah, let’s say something like that.” Turas mumbled sarcastically.

Novu pondered the revelation for a little while. Turas couldn’t help but feel sorry for the kid. He had been here since almost birth and no one had taken a parental role in his life. As they started to enter the camp, Novu chimed in again. “So is your birthday the day you meet the girl or the day you fall in love with her? And if it’s the day you fall in love with her, what if she falls in love with you at a different time?”

Turas shook his head, but before he could reply, there were some yells from a nearby tent. For a moment, Turas was torn between checking it out and minding his own business. He looked at Novu who was distracted from his questioning by the noises.

His curiosity drove him to walk to the tent with the noise. He could tell everyone else was purposely avoiding the tent and pretending not to hear the commotion. Turas laid himself on the ground and peaked underneath the edge of the tent. Novu did the same.

There were two guards in side. They had cornered two slaves, but Turas couldn’t see them.

“Your friend told us. That’s how we knew.” The guard chuckled. “It’s amazing how much a piece of stale bread can buy around here.”

The other guard took over. “Talking is over.” He reached out and grabbed one of the slaves and threw him to the ground. The slave landed with a soft thud against the gravel. Rocks bounced away from him. He had no shirt on, cause his front side to get scratched and cut. He turned his face away from the ground to show the blood already beginning to escape from the cuts. Novu recognized him instantly.

“Jint!” He exclaimed quickly, and then realized his mistake as the guards looked at them. One guard stayed and held Shera who was crying. The other guard ran with incredible haste and grabbed the collars of the two intruders. They tried to run, but it was no use. He had a firm hold on them. Jint backed away from the guards, but had yet to stand up.

The guard threw Novu and Turas next to the other guard and Shera. He then moved toward Jint who no longer had a smile. He was afraid. He looked at Shera. “I love you.” He whispered.

Shera continued crying. “I love you too.”

The guard smiled mockingly. “How sweet.” He then drew his sword. Jint could do nothing. He was too malnourished to fight. Without much resistance, the sword was thrust into his chest. Jint gasped for one last breath and looked at Shera, who was screaming. The guard holding her slapped her. “Shut up.”

Turas jumped to his feet and rushed the guard. The guard anticipated the outburst and easily grabbed him by the neck. Turas quickly found himself on the ground with the guard sitting on top of him, bloodied sword raised in line with his neck. He could hear Novu shouting and Shera screaming for Jint who had already faded away. All of that was soon blocked out of his mind as he focused on the blade rushing down to his neck.
Edited by Whoopy4, Saturday, 6. November 2010, 00:11.
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OH MY GOSHNESS YOU AND EDYE KEEP DOING THIS TO MEEEEE. Actually, all good chapters end like so ^^ Anyway - it helps to know he won't die, cause he is a major character. but still. I still worry :P

These line, though, are a little awkward. :P
Quote:
 
The guard stood over them, casting a rather large shadow, but directing it to not block the sun from any of the slaves.

That’s what prevented others from stealing the precious resources that they got rich from selling.

His curiosity drove him to walk to the tent with the noise.
Nothing actually wrong with them, but i had to re-read them twice. That always takes away the magic. Oh. hahahha. I just realised what i typed. :P Anyway, it takes away the magic of Magic, if you know what i mean :P
Quote:
 
They had cornered two slaves, but Turas couldn’t see them.
Maybe replace the but with an and?
Quote:
 
He had no shirt on, cause his front side to get scratched and cut.
Hmm... that was a little awkward. How about: He had no shirt on, cause his front sidechest to get scratched and cut. (maybe something a little more, descriptive here, if you know wht i mean? For example: scrape against the hard floor, causing cuts that were already starting to ooze blood. Actually, my writing was really sucky, so. I know you can do better than me :) )
Line there's above to show that - NOW WE'RE ON TO THE GOOD PARTS BABY! :B

Anyway. I have to applaud you for these there sections here.
Quote:
 
Turas jumped to his feet and rushed the guard. The guard anticipated the outburst and easily grabbed him by the neck. Turas quickly found himself on the ground with the guard sitting on top of him, bloodied sword raised in line with his neck. He could hear Novu shouting and Shera screaming for Jint who had already faded away. All of that was soon blocked out of his mind as he focused on the blade rushing down to his neck.

“Your friend told us. That’s how we knew.” The guard chuckled. “It’s amazing how much a piece of stale bread can buy around here.”

The guard smiled mockingly. “How sweet.”
Why? Well, you have to know, im a sucker for realism. Even in fantasy, i try to fond something i can relate to. These 3 sentences, they just did it for me. I can actually, see, hear, experience whats going on, and thats very important in writing. ^_^

So, ending off with a simple : Great job, overall. Methinks me want more! :ballerina:
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Whoopy4
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Thanks for the compliments and more inportantly, the criticisms. I like to get better. Unfortunately my mild speech impediment scratches it's way into my writing. The next chapter should be up tomorrow. I've got it half written up already.

The only thing I'll say is that it introduces a character I expect to be my favourite in the story(Next to Turas ofcourse.).
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mousely
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Oh good job on these!! I think Sweetdang has already said it all... :)

You have a mild speech impediment? Shocking...I didn't even notice it in your writing.
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Whoopy4
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I tend to stumble over some words and sentences.
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O.O

I never knew that.

Anyway, im up & eager for the next passage! :)
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My speech impediment is basically, I think faster than I can speak. not bad if I can slow my self down.

Anyways, it's a bit late, but it's here:


Chapter 3:

A man sharpened his knife while leaning back in a chair. The knife was held in gloved hands. He kept his hood up and a bandana wrapped around his face, only revealing his green eyes. The visible skin was dark as a moonless night. He kept the rest of his body covered in black clothing.

Another man that had had a bit too much to eat in his lifetime sat across from him behind a desk. “What do you want bounty hunter?”

The bounty hunter tapped the tip of his knife. It didn’t pierce his glove, but he knew it was sharp enough to do its job. “One of your guards slept with the wrong woman.”

The chubby man smiled. “You’ve stooped to petty bounties now, Shard? I thought your skills were more impressive than this.”

Shard leaned forward. “My employer was very insistent that I was the one for the job.” He sat back in the chair and slowly spun the knife with his fingers, the tip pointed directly at the man’s heart. “You see, my bounty mentions nothing about bringing my target back.”
“I see. Who is the guard?”

“His name is Jeroff Golen.” Shard’s demeanour was relaxed. He knew just as well as the fat captain of the guard across from him that the bounty would be carried out. Shard was merely maintaining good relations between his employer and a trading partner.

“Jeroff is one of my better guards.” The captain looked down. If he refused, there would be two deaths instead of just the one. He finally gave in, “I’ll show you the way.”

They both stood from their seats. While the captain was overall larger and heavier, Shard was taller by several inches. Shard slid his knife into a belt on his hip, and the wrapped his cloak around himself to conceal his arsenal.

They exited the tent together. The sun passing behind the mountains cast a red shine on the camp. Slaves and guards alike turned from whatever they were doing to watch Shard walk by. Some of them knew who he was. Others were plagued by curiosity. He was obviously not from the area. Most of the slaves had never been anywhere but their mining camp. When an outsider visited, it was necessary for them to catch a glimpse of the exotic clothing they wore.

Shard paid them little attention. These slaves were too afraid of him to attempt anything irrational. The guards wouldn’t even try anything; at least not without organizing a group or having a few drinks first.

A woman could be heard crying and screaming as they walked in the nearly depleted sunlight. They paid the woman little attention as it was a common occurrence, considering how long the guards stayed away from their wives.

While they walked, the screams and shouts got a little louder. There were only a couple voices, but they were distinct amongst the murmurs of the watching slaves and guards. Shard began thinking through his arsenal too drown out the noises. “Two knives... Short blade... Three different poisons along with their antidotes... a short sword strapped to his back... a small bamboo stick... 5 darts...” Shard continued through the list and then began to repeat. He just wanted to finish this job so he could get his money. He knew this bounty was below him, but the amount of high-profile bounties had decreased over the past few months. Shard sighed as the fat man lead him onwards.

It wasn’t long before they were passing by the tent where the commotion was coming from. The captain was finally fed up with the noise. “Excuse me for a moment.” Shard nodded and waited for the captain to execute his duties.

The moment the captain touched the entrance to the tent, it burst into flame, knocking the captain backwards and sending a wave of heat and flames licking out in all directions. Shard stood amongst the flames and watched as the tent burned down, likely killing it's occupants.
Edited by Whoopy4, Monday, 8. November 2010, 13:34.
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Hmm. It was rather good and smooth flowing until this bit -
Quote:
 
A woman could be heard crying and screaming as they walked in the nearly depleted sunlight. They paid it little attention as it was a common occurrence, considering how long the guards stayed away from their wives.
I had to re-read it, as i thought the "it" referred to the depleting sunlight the first time i read this bit.

Also. From this line onwards
Quote:
 
The moment the captain touched the entrance to the tent, it burst into flame, knocking the captain backwards.
I didnt understand anything and i has to re-read it at least 5 times.

1) Why did the tent burst into flames?

2) Why did Shard's coat 'whip around him'? Was there a wind? Fire didnt produce any movement, right? Also, why did he not bother to cover his revealed weapons, since he put in the effort to conceal them?

3) The tent had burned, but were the figures inside being burnt? Was the tent still burning or already burnt? If it was "burnt to pieces" why would there be an "inside of the tent"?

4) Then there were figures and figures doing this to that figure and what not. I didnt understand that. This 2nd last paragraph is a tad too messy.
OOH LOOKY A LINE THAT SEPARATES!
So we're on to the good parts now :) Although i didnt get this at forst, when i read through it again, it was hilarious :)
Quote:
 
A woman could be heard crying and screaming as they walked in the nearly depleted sunlight. They paid it little attention as it was a common occurrence, considering how long the guards stayed away from their wives.
I loled! :D This was also very real life -
Quote:
 
The guards wouldn’t even try anything; at least not without organizing a group or having a few drinks first.
I like how you do that. So far, my favorite descriptions are that that you use on the guards (refer also to my previous comment, the good bits, anyway.)

So. This was fairly OK, and the most "fun" one so far, to tell the truth. It gave the most drama feeling :P But. It needs work. Really. I wont say it if im not serious, only i enjoy this, so i want it to be able to excel to the best that it can be. ^_^
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Whoopy4
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Yeah, the last part of the chapter was done right before going to bed and I appologize for that. I ended up not sticking to my original plan, mainly because I wanted to lengthen it. It was supposed to end the moment the tent burst into flames(which will be explained in the next chapter)
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Ah. I reckon it would have been much better then :P No offense. The length doesnt matter, its the language and how you write it. :D
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Yeah, and it eneded up longer than expected without me realizing it. At one point it looked like it was going to be shorter than chapter 1 lol. I think I'm gonna take out that bit now.
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:D

Also, spelling error on "killing". :)
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pffft, I don't see anything lol
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A hahahah :)
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A man sharpened his knife while leaning back in a chair. The knife was held in gloved hands.

Mostly, your prose is pretty good. Just skim over it once to make sure things like this don't happen. I guess you could reverse the order of the sharpening and the sitting, but that doesn't matter. The fact that he's sharpening it, in a chair, implies that he's holding it. Some people sharpen stuff on grindstones, but not while they sit down. The second sentence is unnecessary. Also, you were using passive voice "the knife was held" - being held is something the knife is doing, in that context. Which is fine grammatically, but the fact that the knife is being held is far less important than who's holding it.

Generally try to use active voice whenever you can ("he was holding the knife") unless whoever's doing the verb is actually less important than the effect. This is pretty rare, but it happens. "He was suspended in midair for a moment before..." is a decent example. It's his inertia and momentum that hold him there for that moment, but no one actually cares about that. The other thing is if something tragic happens.

"The neighbor's goat gored him to death" rather inappropriately puts the emphasis on the goat, who doesn't matter much.

"He was gored to death by the neighbor's goat" is more sensitive. Passive voice can be a problem for you, but an easy one to tix.

The interesting thing is that so far, there hasn't been any use or even mention of magic that really gets us into the title. I guess if it's really a part of the world, it should be introduced early. Or is it actually not about magic?
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Whoopy4
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Magic is central to the story, I'm just hoping to use it in a way that isn't used a lot. I don't want to ruin the story plot quite yet, especially since your question is answered or atleast there are strong clues in the next chapter.

I expect I'll post the next chapter on Wednesday which gives me plenty of time to finally do some good proof reading. I'd proof read more if I didn't set due dates for myself, but if I didn't set due dates for myself I would write in the first place...

I guess that's what first drafts are for lol
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asian
Yey yey im waiting like a eager beaver! :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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Whoopy4
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Love sick fool
appologies for no update. there's some issues at home that need to be taken care of. I have a four day weekend though, so I should be able to write plenty.
Thing a day - My blog about the trials and tribulations of writing a piece of literature every day for a year.

Days completed: 7

A more professional signature coming at a later date
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Harket
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asian
Np, i'll just wait teehee :)
Birds don't like to fly, they have to fly.
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